


clench my teeth and close my eyes, just make this go away

by jaeyoonijagi



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, emetophobia warning, major trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:58:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyoonijagi/pseuds/jaeyoonijagi
Summary: It was never meant to be serious.





	1. first

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY STARTED PUBLISHING THIS ONE. I started working on this in mid-April, and as it has been 50 days since I closed the request box and here we are!
> 
> "RULES":  
> -I will update every Tuesday, at around the time this was published (Central European, so like...CEST/GMT+1)  
> -There will always be a trigger warning on top of the chapter, EXCEPT for this first, as this is just how Johnyong met the first time.  
> -THIS IS PURELY FICTION.  
> -All chapters are about 1000 words, but there is so much going on.  
> -It's written from Johnny's POV, but I might write a side story from Taeyong's POV. 
> 
> I have no playlist or so, but I do listen a lot to EDucating Shanny, EnvyMaliceMikki and Recovery Flower when I write (rather than listening to music actually), and I highly recommend these channels but beware - they might be triggering. If wished for, I could definitely make an ED-playlist.
> 
> I believe that is all for now. Hope you enjoy this ride with me!

**_January 2012_ **

 

Johnny remembered the first time he saw Taeyong. He was sitting in the dance class trainees received when the instructor introduced a new guy, a thin, handsome man, with a face Johnny would describe as unique. This guy already looked like an idol. But he also looked...natural, save for the sharp eyes that were matched with an oddly tranquil stare. Johnny remembered when he entered SM, later to be teased that he looked lost and scared. In fact, most trainees carried the same look as Johnny when entering, save for a few trainees, usually those having experience before. 

“I heard he was streetcasted.”, Johnny heard whispers from beside him. “He doesn’t look like the type of person to pursue an idol career.”

If Johnny was closer to the people beside him, and lacked manners, he would tell them he disagreed. The guy looked like everything an idol was.

“If I would’ve seen him anywhere else in this building, I would’ve assumed he was an actor or a model.”, another whisper replied. 

Cocking his head slightly to the side while clicking his tongue, Johnny could see that as well. But at the same time, plenty of Korean idols became more than just an idol singing or dancing in a group, at this point it was almost rare for them not to do anything other than group activities, whether it would be a singing contest or just a random variety show. Why else would the agencies teach them some variety skills? 

“I don’t like him.”, the first person who whispered said out of the conversation. “I mean, if he was streetcasted, they’ve gone by his looks, if SM casted him by his looks he must know he’s good-looking which means he must be really egoistical by now. And who wants to deal with that?”

It was an odd argument to say the least, but competition in the Kpop industry was rough, and it had happened before that people got to debut without being prepared properly only because they were good looking and good for the publicity of the group. Obviously, those people continued to work hard and eventually would become good, but it still eliminated trainees who were talented but lacked the right visuals. Johnny was scared of that happening to himself. 

  
  


The name of the guy was Taeyong, as explained by the instructor, and from what Johnny heard from trainees who actually spoke to the new guy, he was not anywhere near being cocky at all, opposed to what he might have come across to being. That is why he decided to give him a shot.

“Hi! I’m Johnny!”

He felt the other’s eyes following him as he sat down beside him while waiting for the singing coach to enter the room. 

“Foreigner?”, a soft voice asked, eyebrows slightly raised. Putting on his best American accent while sticking to the Korean language, Johnny replied, “I am American.”

He could see a faint smile ghost on the pink lips of the stranger. There was no way he could be barefaced, from his view of the left side of Taeyong’s face, there was not much to call imperfection at all. A few acne scars here and there maybe, but nothing you would pay attention to. 

“I would reply in English but you know...English.”

“No, I think you should give it a try!”

“I have a Korean accent.”

“And I just showed what I sounded like when I first entered SM in 2008. I don’t think you can top that to be honest.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Prove it.”

Johnny could tell the other was still way too self-conscious to give it a go, so he decided to help him out. 

“I’m Johnny, I was born and raised in Chicago. As I mentioned, I entered SM in 2008 through their global auditions. Where are you from?”

“I-I am from Seoul.”

“What did you do for your audition?”

Taeyong hummed, seemingly searching for words in his head. “Me, uhm, at street. I...I don’t know.”

“Street casting? Wow. I mean, yeah, I see why and everything but...that’s something.”

Taeyong turned his head towards Johnny, Johnny now seeing his full face close up. His  eyebrows were furrowed slightly, indicating he did not catch what the other meant, which Johnny was thankful for. 

“What happened there?”

As he asked, Johnny pointed towards the outer corner of the other’s right eye. Taeyong brought his fingers up to grace the spot, nodding slowly when he caught what was said. 

“I scratched the spot because of atopy.”, he answered in Korean. Johnny decided he had bothered the other with his English enough and followed his tracks, to ask about the unfamiliar word in the sentence.

“What’s atopy?”

Taeyong’s shoulders visibly dropped, Johnny finding it both cute and sad the other was so nervous speaking English with him because he knew Johnny was fluent. 

“It’s like...a weak allergic reaction? Somewhat like that.”

Johnny nodded while dragging out an ‘aaaaah’. He was about to continue asking the other, when the door was opened, a stressed coach entering. 

“My apologies for being late, I had to help a debuting idol with something. Let’s get started right away with some warm-ups.”

 

When the session ended, Johnny hooked his arm with his newfound friend. Or, according to himself they were almost friends at least. Standing beside the other for the first time, Johnny realized that, to his delight, he was the taller one. He always liked being taller than others, especially people he had an interest in. He guessed it was because it made him feel more masculine and fed his ego well. In a good way of course, he’d never drag someone or make fun of them because they were shorter. 

“You know, your English pronunciation is really good.”

“Don’t overdo it.”

“I’m serious. A wider cabinet of vocabulary and some grammar and you’d be good to go.”

“For real?”

“For real.”

“Thank you.”, the other mumbled, looking away from the taller. 

“You should add some confidence in it though. In your singing too actually.”

“I don’t think that’s THAT important?”

“Lemme teach you a lesson, my boy.”, Johnny started in English, but switched as soon as he continued. “Everything looks better when you’re confident. If there’s one thing I learned from singing in choir, it is that if you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, people will notice it more than they’ll notice the other members being correct. If you look like you know what you’re doing but still sing the wrong text or miss a few notes, they will be tricked into thinking they heard wrong.”

Taeyong stopped walking and thought for a second. “I never thought of it like that.”

“Do from now on.”, Johnny told him and dragged him with him to one of the dance rooms. He was more than thankful he started speaking to the new guy. 


	2. second

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for disorted eating habits.

**_January 2018_ **

 

Johnny woke up to a hand stroking his cheek softly, keeping his eyes closed to enjoy the touch. The hand wandered from his cheek up to his hair, running through it and getting stuck, another hand coming up to slowly untangled the mess as carefully as possible.

“Johnny?”

“Mhm?”

“You have to wake up.”

“I wouldn’t have answered if I wasn’t awake.”

“Stupid.”

“That’s why we’re together. Our stupidity levels match.”

Suddenly the warmth that had been pressed against Johnny’s side left, cold air now brushing against his skin. Opening his eyes ever so slightly, he squinted up at the black-haired male who had gone to the closet to pick out suitable attire for the day’s schedule. Johnny picked up his phone from the bedside table on the side of his bed to check the time. Ignoring all notifications from his friends from the other side of the world, Johnny locked the screen and sat up enough to be able to push himself back up against the small headrest. 

“When do we start?”

“In two hours.”

“Then we still have time to cuddle.”

Taeyong chuckled. “I have to make sure everyone is eating.”

“Yourself included?”

There was a short moment of silence, the air thickening in an instant at the question.

“I’m not hungry at the moment.”

Johnny frowned. It had begun when the members found out they would have a lot of promotions in the near future, Taeyong suddenly restricting everything he ate, and barely allowing himself a break from whatever crash diet he now stuck to. If someone tried to buy him something to eat, he’d snap at them not to. He had always been a little bit health conscious, but he never went as far as snapping at someone for offering him something to eat. 

“You have to eat something. We have a really long day.”

Only response he got was a shrug, before his lover left the room to prepare breakfast for the 127-members, as that was the dorm the couple lived in. 

  
  


“Take a quick snack break and we’ll resume!”

Downing almost half a bottle of water, Johnny slumped back against the nearest wall. Taking in the sight of his group members chatting away while snacking on the fruit the managers had brought, he noticed how the leader had not stopped moving, performing bits of the routine without music. Johnny sighed, raising to his feet to make his way over to his boyfriend, almost getting hit in the face when he wrapped his arms around the slender waist. 

“Hell, Johnny, you almost killed me!”

Johnny just laughed and hugged the other closer. 

“You should take a break.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Eat something small? You haven’t eaten since yesterday night, you must be hungry!”

Taeyong did not respond, but Johnny could see how he bit his lip in order not to say something.

“I’m just worried, you know? You barely eat these days.”

“It’s just stress.”

“Hon, you can’t stop eating because of stress.”

“Don’t mind it.”, the younger said and stretched his arms to wrap them around Johnny’s head, pulling the older’s head down to press a kiss to his cheek, before breaking free of the grip. Deciding he was not done with the conversation, Johnny walked after his boyfriend, who was heading towards the speaker system. 

“Taetae?”

“Johnjohn?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?”

“No, thank you.”

The American was thrown off by the unexpected answer. When had he ever been turned down? The couple had not gone out just the two of them since they got a break over Christmas. It had been too long for his own liking. 

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said. We don’t have time at the moment.”

“Last time I checked it said we’re all free tonight. Come on, Yong! We won’t have time as you’re going to Ukraine to record next week.”

“Why can’t we just stay in then?”

“Because it’s not the same!”

“Why does it have to be out then? We could just stay in and cuddle or something.”

“What says we can’t do both?”

Taeyong gave him a look. Johnny frowned. There was something odd, but he had no idea what.

“What is the real problem?”

“I’m tired.”

“Probably just a vitamin deficiency. Eat more and it’ll change.”

Johnny could see something snap in the other, eyes growing darker as soon as the words had been uttered. Instead of saying something, Taeyong just turned around again and walked out of the practice room. 

“Tae, wait!”

“What happened?”

Johnny faced his group mates, who all looked at where Johnny stood alone after being left.

“I think I messed up.”

“You think?”

“I don’t understand what I did.”

“Go talk to him. If both of you aren’t here in ten minutes, I’m going looking for you myself. You don’t want that to happen.”, the choreographer told him, not giving him a chance to respond before he was ushered out of the room.

  
  


The first room he could think of was the changing rooms. During their trainee days, Taeyong could be found there when he got upset. Johnny remembered wanting to slap everyone who made the other feel bad, which usually had to do with Taeyong being treated poorly. One time, a couple of trainees even made up rumors about him, which caused him problems with the public. That had been a horrendous time in their relationship, Taeyong doubting everything everyone did, believing everyone was out to get him in some way. It took months to get over it. Johnny hated that he was now the reason the leader felt bad.

“Taeyong?”

There was no answer, but Johnny could hear some shuffling from the locker area. He inhaled and exhaled deeply before walking  over, finding his lover on a bench with his head in his hands. 

“Baby?”

“What do you want?”

“Why are you so upset?”

Taeyong chuckled. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.”

For a second it looked like Taeyong was considering it, but he ended up silent.

“It was obviously something I said, can you tell me what it was?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.”

“You shouldn’t be tired at this time, but you’ve been eating too poorly. Compare our energy levels. I eat regularly and healthily and I’m full of energy, but you-”

“I happen to be the goddamn leader, you wouldn’t understand how hard it is!”

The shift in mood caused Johnny to do a double take. It went too quickly for Johnny to understand what was going on.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t get-”

“Are you too fucking stupid to understand or something? Is your Korean really lacking THAT much?”

Johnny’s eyes widened, mouth falling open. Never had the younger been so explosive and hateful before. 

“I’m sor-”

“Oh, I’m sure you are. Now if you had payed more attention to our schedule and not my fucking life, you’d know we have to practice.”

Johnny was left with a burning sensation in his chest, hand coming up to rub the spot in hopes of releasing the lump forming at the spot. It did not work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just an little (important) reminder; this is completely from johnny's pov and therefore, unless someone says something, is all what he's thinking and assuming. 
> 
> hmu here or on any other social platform i use:  
> twitter, curious cat, tumblr: taemarkly  
> snapchat: salamiipnida
> 
> until next tuesday, have a nice time and be safe with whatever you do <3


	3. third

The rest of dance practice was hell, to say the least. The leader did not as much as cast him a glance, eyes empty and expressionless compared to the shine they usually obtained. The whole team had noticed the change as soon as they both stepped in, Taeyong looking pissed and Johnny wearing his head like a withered flower on its stem. He caught Jaehyun’s eyes, the younger searching for any answer possible as to what had happened, but finding none. 

“Are we ready to start?”, the choreographer asked, well aware of the change in atmosphere but having no choice but to ignore it and keep the group going. They had a deadline after all. When no one answered, he sighed and made his way to the speaker system. “Everyone ready? On three.”

  
  


“Johnny? Johnny, hi!”

Johnny faced the young Canadian of the group, who had begun waving his hands in the older’s face. 

“S-sorry, I was thinking.”

“The shower is ready. It’s always easier to think in there.”

Picking out a set of thin clothes, he made his way to the free bathroom, heaving a sigh after locking the door. He sincerely loved his group members to death, but he needed to be alone to think from time to time. It was reasonable, was it not? Who did not need a break here and there? Nothing wrong with that.

Undressing quickly, he waited for the water to get the perfect temperature before stepping inside and letting the water calm his aching muscles. Before becoming a trainee, he thought dancing would be the easiest part of becoming an idol. How wrong one could be. 

He thought about the day. The words still stung, his mind coming across them often enough for his chest never to stop aching. Was his Korean that bad? He knew he had an accent, often told it was not a bad one at all, but Taeyong is native Korean. He would know, would he not? Of course he would. Taeyong would never lie to him. He may have been upset, but he was not dishonest, that was why their relationship had worked for such a long time. 

He leaned his head back against the wall, flinching when his back touched the cold tiles. He would apologize to his boyfriend. He could not lose Taeyong over something as ridiculous as his lacking Korean. 

  
  


As soon as he stepped outside the shower, he was greeted by the smell of food, his ears snapping up the sound of utensils being used in the kitchen in the mid of chaos his fellow members were creating. Somewhere he could hear Yuta coo over Sicheng, and Donghyuck making fun of Mark. The Without You unit was not heard whatsoever, and obviously the guy Johnny was looking for was in the kitchen, using said utensils.

He took a deep breath, letting the oxygen leave his lungs again before making his way to the dining room in the dorm, being met by a weak humming from the room, melody calming Johnny’s heart significantly. He entered the room, first thing his vision took up being the black, fluffy hair of the NCT 127 leader. As soon as he was close enough to the younger, all while making sure there was no knife in the slender hands, he wrapped his arms around the shorter’s waist, kissing his head.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered. 

He noted how Taeyong’s entire body froze the moment they touched, muscles tensing after the whisper. 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Johnny frowned. 

“Of course it was, I made you upset-”

“Johnny, I was angry. I said stupid stuff, that’s not even true, so don’t apologize.”

Johnny glanced down at where Taeyong’s hands were gripping the counter, knuckles turning white. 

“It’s oka-”

“Don’t say it.”

He felt the younger shuffle in his grip, slowly turning around while avoiding eye contact. After a moment of hesitation, Taeyong let his hands find their way to the back of Johnny’s head, fingers wandering from the hairs in his neck, until they reached the taller’s cheeks, cupping them and finally looking up to make eye contact. The hurt in the Korean’s eyes was more than Johnny could bear, wanting nothing but to see the beautiful orbs shine. He had not seen them properly sparkle for weeks, going back all the way to the time around their MAMA performance in 2017. It was not that they always seemed empty or...to be in pain, but they never quite reached the level of life they used to have. It annoyed him to no end that he had no idea why. 

“I’m sorry.”, Taeyong whispered carefully. “You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but know that I mean every single word when I say your Korean is not bad at all.”

“It’s alright.”, Johnny smiled sincerely. He knew Taeyong was particularly fond of his smiles when they caused his eyes to crinkle. 

‘There is nothing as beautiful as happiness. When you smile like that you look really happy.’, he had said, Johnny never quite understanding what he meant. Taeyong’s eyes never crinkled, yet he was a sight for sore eyes. All Taeyong would respond was; ‘Not everyone can reach your level of visuals, babe.’.

“I shouldn’t have been so mean to you. You didn’t do anything bad to me but I was acting like an idiot. I’m sorry I can’t go on a date with you.”

“You’re under a lot of pressure, I shouldn’t have pushed so much. We can still have a date another day.”

Taeyong gave him a sad smile, an unfamiliar emotion flashing in his eyes before disappearing as soon as it came. 

“I guess.”

Johnny looked over Taeyong’s shoulder and nodded towards the stove. 

“Kimchi fried rice?”

“Kimchi fried rice.”

“You surely know the way to someone’s heart.”

“Of course. Who do you take me for?”

“The kitchen should not be burnt down today though so I’ll do it myself.”

Johnny gasped. “How dare you say something so cruel about my cooking skills?”

Taeyong just shook his head with a smile grazing his lips. 

“I just can. Not my fault you’re whipped.”

It indeed was not. Honestly speaking, Johnny would never shame himself for falling in love with Taeyong, while the younger might not be his first ever love, he surely would be one of his deepest. He could not put words into how much he loved his boyfriend, no pairing of words could ever describe his feelings enough for him to be satisfied. Might come off as dramatic, but Johnny was pretty sure he would not survive without Taeyong in his life at this point. They had been by each other’s sides since Taeyong joined SM in 2012, and while six years is little time, a lot can happen. A lot had happened. 

Johnny let out a soft groan over the sound his stomach made. “I’m starving.”

“I can tell. It’s ready soon, don’t worry.”

“How can your stomach not be growling all the time?”

Taeyong froze in his position, spatula in mid-air, before his grip around the handle got tightened and the tension in his shoulders left and he turned to face Johnny once again.

“You must be on the verge of fainting.”

“I’m not hungry at the moment.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t eaten all day.”

“Yes, I did. Ten and I always go out to eat together after practice. We went out for lunch.”

“You still need to eat dinner. I don’t know why you think two meals a day would be acceptable when dancing as much as you do.”

Taeyong’s lips pulled slightly upwards before he faced the floor instead, feet shuffling a little before he bit his lip and looked up to face the taller again. 

“I was wondering...if you could possibly help me?”

“Hm? With what? Kimchi fried rice?”

Something flickered in Taeyong’s eyes, as if he realized what he asked first now. 

“Y-yeah. With the kimchi fried rice.”

“You just turned me down.”

“I take that back, if you want to help, I’m more than up for it.”

“I’m going to work in your precious kitchen?”

Taeyong sent him a smile that did not quite reach his eyes. 

“Next time I need your help, I’ll wait for you to offer it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> questions or just want to talk, talk to me here or on my social medias!:  
> twitter, curiouscat: taemarkly  
> snapchat: salamiipnida


	4. fourth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: because this chapter is basically two scenes only, i decided to put it up today. it is also partly because of the fear of this whole #saveyourinternet thing, which you can read about on saveyourinternet.eu if you haven't heard of it and want to know.  
> if you have any information about it, i'd be thankful if you'd share it with me ^^ 
> 
> next part will be up on tuesday, and because it one certain leader's birthday and this story is about him, there will be a chapter on next sunday too!

“Taste if it’s ready.”, Taeyong said, grabbing a clean spoon from the cutlery cupboard, getting some of the kimchi fried rice and held it out to Johnny, who accepted it.

“It definitely is, and oh my god. That made me even hungrier.”

“Good.”

Putting the spoon in the sink, Taeyong went to turn the stove off.

“Will you set the table?”

“Of course.”

By the time Johnny was done, he turned to see Taeyong carrying one of the two pans to the table before getting up to leave the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

The younger turned around, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing a few times in attempt to tell Johnny what was up.

“I’m not hungry at the moment.”

“You haven’t eaten all day!”

“Yes, I did, I told you I ate with Ten already.”

“I don’t care if you went out eating with Ten earlier, the time I’ve been with you today, nothing but water passed your lips, even when offered a snack during break at dance practice.”

“You’re analyzing what I’m eating?”  
“No, I’m paying attention to your eating habits.”

“That’s the same!”

“Don’t change the subject.”

It shocked Johnny how fast the atmosphere in the room changed. He had not expected Taeyong’s mood to take such drastic turn in those few seconds. He should have seen it coming from what happened earlier.

“What is wrong?”

“Why do you assume something’s wrong?”

Johnny sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Come on. Tell me. Something is definitely up with you.”

Taeyong rolled his eyes and got ready to back out of the kitchen. “You’re delusional.”

Johnny grabbed onto his wrist, pulling him back to the middle.

“Don’t make me go get the others to talk about your behaviour.”

“That’s not fair! You can’t threaten me to tell you, that’s just wrong!”

“If something isn’t up with you, why are you so defensive?”

Johnny could see Taeyong bite his lower lip, an action he usually would have found sexy, but now wrecked his nerves. It was obviously done to keep him from letting out a snarky comment.

“Come here.”, the taller prompted the younger, carefully letting his arms reach out for the other to enter his welcoming embrace. He did.

“I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

“It’s alright. Now we’ll get the others and fuel our bodies and then we can cuddle all night. Sounds like a plan?”

He got no reply, only a tighter grip on the back of his shirt.

“Tae?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll get the others, you sit down.”

“Okay.”

Johnny pressed a quick peck to his boyfriend’s temple before leaving the room. He could not comprehend why the leader was acting so odd, he was a dancer who knew more than well that you need to eat properly to get the work done correctly. It made no sense whatsoever for him to be so avoidant of a necessity like food.

  


He did not become smarter sitting at the dining table with his group members who were all chatting away and enjoying the food. They could not usually have rice in any shape when promotion time came up, but they had worked hard enough to burn it off. Besides, in moderation it was not harmful, moderation really is the key to a healthy life. As long as their managers did not find out, there was nothing to be worried about.

“Wow, this was fantastic!”, Yuta expressed his love by dragging out the vowels in ‘fantastic’.

“It’s because Johnny helped!”, Taeyong hugged onto Johnny’s arm. Johnny was thankful he himself was already done eating, or else he would not have the chance to place his free hand on the side of Taeyong’s head, the side that was not pressed into Johnny’s arm. It should have been an awkward move, but the familiarity in the action made him feel as if they were in a movie by how smoothly it went.

“Mark will do the dishes.”, Donghyuck stated, letting his spoon hit the side of the plate to indicate being done. Mark on the other hand, looked up from his plate, looking betrayed.

“Excuse me? You can’t make that decision for me!”

“The youngest member who speaks good English have to do them.”, Donghyuck rolled his eyes.

“So you then?”

Johnny watched with fondness how Donghyuck flustered over the unexpected compliment.

“N-no, obviously it’s you.”

Mark chuckled. “Stop acting like your English isn’t good, Hyuckie.”

Johnny could recall the amount of times he had had the same type of conversation with the guy on his right. And Mark’s statement was in no way false. All members had improved tremendously over their years together and it was safe to say the American felt flutters of pride in his chest every time a member spoke English.

“Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.”, Taeyong announced, Johnny catching both Doyoung and Yuta’s secrete stares, neither being satisfied with what he said.

“No, I’ll fix them, you sit down.”, Doyoung told him and stood up to collect all plates.

“Don’t be like that! You’ve all worked hard lately, you need to rest.”

“As if you don’t.”, Yuta pointed out. “You just made dinner for all of us.”

“I sincerely get worried, today is the first time I’ve seen you eat for days.”, Doyoung frowned.

Taeyong gave no answer, but stood up to gather the plates. He was about to grab Doyoung’s when a hand covered his own. There was some intense eye contact between the older Tom & Jerry-duo before Doyoung spoke up. Neither of the two seemed to care about the attention they now got from the seven remaining males in the group.

“At least let me help.”

When he received a nod, the 96-liner of the group stood up to help Taeyong. Johnny knew they were best friends, but he had not expected Doyoung to notice the change in behaviour in their leader. It made Johnny determined to have a private chat with Doyoung, that intense eye contact the two washing the dishes had, had to mean much more than what could be seen on the outside. As he heard the tap turn off and the last of plates clink as it was placed neatly on top of the other, he took his cue to gently tap both of their shoulders. He looked at Doyoung first.

“Can I talk to you? Privately?”

Raising an eyebrow but not questioning the quest, Doyoung nodded. Johnny turned to Taeyong.

“You and I will talk later, okay?”

He could see the hesitation in the shorter’s eyes, but he also eventually nodded. Johnny leaned forward to kiss his forehead. When Taeyong had left, Doyoung tilted his head.

“How may I help you?”

“You know why he’s acting like this.”

Doyoung clicked his tongue before frowning slightly, tilting his head to the side.

“Not completely?”

“Tell me everything you know.”

“I think you may wanna sit down. This might be...hard to grasp.”     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any questions, feel free to ask here, or on my other social medias, @taemarkly on all of the following:  
> -curious cat  
> -duolingo  
> -memrise  
> -tumblr  
> -twitter


	5. fifth

He took a seat, as he was told to, Doyoung still standing but leaning back against the counter. 

“What do you know?”

“I’m not sure how to easily say it...like I don’t want to expose him.”

“Doyoung, I really need to know in order to help him.”

“But I don’t know what it is.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow, leaning his elbow on the table, hand coming up to support his head. 

“What do you mean?”

Doyoung faced the floor, biting his lips, whether it was because he was uncertain if he should tell or not, or if it was him picking his words wisely, Johnny did not know. As it was well known to the members that Doyoung was immensely loyal, it made the cause of his short period of silence harder to figure out.

“Remember our December break?”

Johnny nodded. He had gone back to the US for two weeks, coming back the day before they got into planning NCT’s 2018, somewhere in the beginning of January. That was back when he noticed a slight change in his boyfriend’s mindset regarding food, mostly in the way of him not eating as many sweets as he used to do. As Taeyong always had had a major sweet tooth, and almost consumed more treats than regular meals, it was a shock, but Johnny assumed he just wanted a change for 2018. 

“We were the only two in the dorm for quite some time, like three days or something. I mean, we’re both from Seoul, we can go home way more often than most members. Anyways...I was just...performing a skin routine when he asked for a scale.”

Johnny took a deep breath, already sensing how the story would go down.

“And I brought it out from the cupboard, and he stepped on it...and then he was upset. I asked what the problem was and he told me he had gained too much weight and had to crash diet. So I tried to talk him into not doing so because crash diets suck. And honestly? He didn’t need to lose weight at all, because the weight he had was totally normal and he looked sexy at this time...But at least he said he wouldn’t crash diet, but he would diet, and that’s what he’s doing now.”

Somewhere in the middle of the telling, Johnny had leaned back against the chair back, keeping his arm position but leaning his arm against himself instead of the table, as if hugging his middle with one arm. He tapped his fingers against his nose a few times before letting his index finger remain against the tip and up across the bridge, hand covering his mouth. If Taeyong referred to skipping several meals a day as a ‘diet’, what the hell had he meant with ‘crash diet’?

“What caused such sudden change though?”

“He said it was the first time in his life he was ever in the 60s. I don’t know if that might have been it.”

“It could definitely be a factor. I just feel like...I don’t know, something must’ve happened at home or something during winter break.”

“Yeah. Maybe something did happen...Now, if you don’t mind, I really need to leave.”

“Where are you going?”

Doyoung took half a minute to answer. “Just out.”

 

Johnny entered the NCT parent couple’s shared bedroom to find Taeyong on the bed with his phone in his hand. As soon as Johnny sat down on the bed, he caught the younger’s full attention, Taeyong putting his phone on the bedside table. 

“What did you and Doyoung talk about?”

“Nothing special. Just his feature on Night Night, and how to do if Jaehyun falls sick or has other schedule.”

“I see. You wanted to talk.”

“I want to know why you’re so food-centered. Look, like, your weight shouldn’t mat-”

“You talked to him about me.”

“Taeyong, I need to kno-”

“You had no right to do so.”

“You’re not telling me anything! Eating such little amounts when you’re as busy as you are is dangerous. I can’t sit and watch you slowly malnourish your body just because you want to avoid this topic.”

“I just want to shed a few pounds.”

“And you have. Not that you needed a diet or something like that, but now you definitely don’t need one now. You almost look as thin as predebut.”

“So?”

Johnny was taken aback. Had Taeyong not seen himself predebut? For some time he had almost looked weak, but with his energy levels, Johnny assumed he was just growing. He assumed the younger would gain weight eventually, in his late teens and early twenties. And he had been right for that matter, it was not a lot of weight, but it was there and Taeyong looked fantastic. If Johnny could go back to any time, he would go back to the Limitless era, that was the time Taeyong looked the happiest in his opinion. Despite having had a lot to do, the leader had not been stressing more than necessary, and the couple would have late night meals together with Jaehyun and Doyoung without a struggle, spending long nights together. Every time they had a late night feast, Doyoung always had to take a phone call and stepped out for somewhat twenty minutes, Jaehyun always taking those opportunities to gush over his own boyfriend and how thankful he was. His speeches were never spoken to deaf ears, both Taeyong and Johnny enjoying having him talk about his older boyfriend, it was different than having everyone up in their own relationship, which was not unusual. Doyoung and Jaehyun’s relationship had gone surprisingly unnoticed for a long time, some members appearing not to know when the 127 unit was promoting Cherry Bomb. 

“Why do you still want to lose weight?”

Taeyong did not move a muscle in his face, he was completely neutral. 

“I just want to.”

“It’s unhealthy.”

“When was health ever my main priority? How come everyone is all up on me when I don’t eat as much, but not batting an eye when I overeat? It’s not fair.”

“Because you have never been anywhere near overweight, you would still be a healthy weight if you so weighed 75 kilos. But you don’t. You haven’t really been that much passed 60.”

Johnny thought he could hear the other mumble something about having to kill Doyoung, but he was not sure. It did not sound unlikely for that comment to be made in this moment.

“Please Taeyong. Stop this diet thing.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Johnny decided he would not get further that night and gave up his tries. If he just...calmed down and did not stress their leader furthermore. Their leader would be alright. Their strong leader was headstrong and determined, as long as he could guide Taeyong on the right path, there should be no problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next part will be up on sunday (1st of july)!  
> feel free to leave criticism below, i'm thick-skinned so don't hold back


	6. sixth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: a chapter posted because it's taeyong's birthday and this story is about him! next part will be up on tuesday (july 3rd).
> 
> this story always makes me think a couple of times extra before publishing a part. so far this part has been the hardest to post, i've literally been sitting with it done for the last hour but hesitating to publish it haha.  
> i hope you enjoy it!

**_February 2018_ **

 

Johnny could tell his boyfriend really tried to go back to normal habits, but with the way he kept dropping weight, he was not sure what to think. He supposed it was the stress for his and Ten’s comeback with Baby Don’t Stop, where both of them had worn open jackets without shirts in the music video. They both looked fantastic, but as the music video was released and they were practicing for the live performances, Taeyong had once again, cut down on everything he ate. Johnny remembered when he saw both BOSS and Baby Don’t Stop the first time, immediately growing concerned about his boyfriend, and this was straight after the two of the new NCT U units had come back from Ukraine, as all of NCT got to see the results way ahead of the release. Even if Taeyong had acted shady the first month of the year in regards of his eating habits, there had been no hassle at all in Europe. That was why Johnny had shrugged the issue off.

 

After their talk, where Johnny made it known he knew about the younger’s ”diet” more than before, Taeyong started to eat more regularly and without hassle, but the closer the comeback was getting, the less he started to eat again and it worried the older to no end. It was getting better. 

“It’s a piece of toast, Taeyong.”

“I already had an apple.”

“One apple is not a breakfast.”

“I think it’s enough.”

“Clearly your measures are not correct.”

“I just want to lose a few pounds for the comeback in a week, please just drop off my back for that time.”

“You don’t need to starve your body for a comeback, you’re supposed to bring the best performances and you won’t be able to do that if you’re malnourished.”

“It has worked before, hasn’t it?”

“Taeyong, listen. It’s not normal to have such an attitude regarding food. We need food to survive, I don’t see why you’re so set on avoiding what your body needs.”

“My body doesn’t need toast...it’s just a bunch of carbs anyway.”

“So is an apple.”

“Different carbs.”

“Can you eat one more apple then?”

Sensing the complaints about to happen, he quickly added. “We’ll share it.”

He received a nod.

 

“Hey, Johnny, I’m not supposed to ask, because it might come off as rude but...is your man alright?”

Facing Ten, he blinked twice before answering.   
“Did he do something?”

“No, I just...I can’t recall him being that skinny back in Ukraine. But maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him a lot since then. I mean, yeah, he’s part of most of the comebacks this year but that shouldn’t stop him from eating normally, right?”

That would only mean Johnny is not as delusional as he thought.

“Do you go out to eat usually?”, Johnny asked him.

“No, why?”

“He tells me you do. He says you go out to eat after every practice session.”

“I always go eat with some of the SM dancers, Taeyong always turns down my offers. I’m not quite sure what he does if he doesn’t come straight home.”

“Can’t say I do either.”

“I just hope he’s doing alright, you know? Obviously being as active as he is this year won’t do him good if he’s not doing well.”

That was the hardest thing about this year so far. Had Johnny been in all units Taeyong was in, he would not have to worry the way he was. He could keep his eyes on his lover and make sure he ate at least thrice a day. As of now, they only had breakfast together, Johnny always being home when Taeyong came home, but other than that, they normally did not spent their mealtimes together anymore. Johnny had no idea what to do to solve it. He could not talk their managers into letting him join the now red-haired male for all meals, it would be too problematic and mess up all schedules for many members. He decided he had no choice but to talk to the other members about the problem.

 

“Why are we all gathered in the living room? We should’ve taken a room at the SM building, this room was not built for ten people.”

“Yuta, stop complaining. Skinship ain’t never killed somebody.”

Johnny let his eyes wander over the nine members he gathered that night. It had taken him some time to decide what members to invite to the meeting, ending up with everyone but the Dreamies. When he thought about it, it was a little unfair to let Lucas participate but not Mark, especially since Mark would probably have the same suspicion as Johnny had. If he was really lucky, Jaehyun would get the gist of what Johnny meant as well. He did not have as much hope for the Korean members, not because they were stupid but because their mother country had not come very far in the thoughts of these type of subjects.

“The word is yours, Johnny.”

Where would he start? Should he say everything he knows? Should he just ask for help? 

“Okay...so...I don’t know if anyone has noticed a change in Taeyong’s eating habits?”

Some members looked plainly confused, mainly the three members who had recently debuted in NCT. 

“Yeah, he’s dieting.”, Doyoung shrugged, and it downright annoyed Johnny how arrogant he was acting. He knew Doyoung had the most knowledge aside from Johnny himself, yet he was acting up as if he had no idea at all.

“No, see, he’s not eating. Like almost at all.”

“I think he’s just stressed. He has a lot to work on at the moment.”, Winwin suggested. Cannot be entirely wrong, if Johnny were to comment on that. But there had to be something else. Taeyong could not lie about him and Ten going out to eat just because he felt smothered by work. He could not avoid eating as much as he did because he was stressed. 

“What do you think is wrong, Johnny?”

He made eye contact with Taeil long enough for the oldest in the room to realize he did have something special in mind.

“I don’t dare to say it.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad, it’s not like we will jud-”

“I don’t dare to say it, because what if it’s true?”

His eyes wandered between Jaehyun and Ten, both of who kept their stare at him, most likely waiting for the final answer.

“I...Will you guys help me if I tell you?”

“Well duh.”

Johnny’s lips pulled upwards slightly. Something in the way Lucas spoke just made him happy, Lucas was such a naturally funny guy. He kept a mental reminder to thank Lucas for being such a tension breaker before the currently youngest in the room would head back to his dorm.

“From what I’ve seen, Taeyong...our dear leader, is showing signs of being mentally ill.”

“Johnny…”

“I think he might be developing...no, actually, I believe he's in the early stages of anorexia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: got questions or want to reflect, you can anonymously write to me on curious cat!  
> curious cat, twitter: taemarkly
> 
> just spelling out the last word in this part is making my heart race a little?


	7. seventh

“What do you mean?”

Johnny felt his breath get shaky.

“I just...he’s doing everything I’ve heard these sick people do.”

“But I don’t understand what the word means? What is it? Is it a behaviour, a disease, or maybe even a way to dress?”, Yuta questioned.

“What word?”

“The thing you said.”

“Anorexia?”

“Yes.”

“It’s...it’s a mental illness.”

“Okay, so we’re getting closer to the answers.”, Lucas concluded. 

“It’s a thing where you eat very little in order to lose weight basically.”

“So a diet?”, Jungwoo asked.

“No, no! Definitely not. What Taeyong is doing is dangerous. A diet is not.”

“Just have him eat then. Have him go on a diet instead of this thing.”

“I have tried to talk him out of it but he doesn’t listen.”

“Because he’s sick.”

Everyone turned to Ten, who sat with his arms crossed over his chest. His words had been spoken with such distaste, the tension in his jaw matching the tone of his voice, both reflecting some type of regret. Johnny assumed it was from not having figured it out by his duo-counterpart’s behavior. 

“I think we should tell the managers so all of us don’t catch-”

“No, Lucas. It’s not contagious. Or...yes, it sort of can be in a way, but more often than not it isn’t.”

 

See, Johnny was not usually dreading mornings, he was a morning person and enjoyed knowing he had a full day ahead of him, but the whole concept of breakfast made him nervous now, as he could not guarantee Taeyong would not put up a fight just to get everything his way. Johnny ran a hand through his hair, took a quick look at his sleeping boyfriend, before putting on some random clothes he found on the floor and left for the kitchen. 

“Jaehyun, I don’t want to eat bread!”

“Babe, you can’t have ice cream for breakfast.”

“Says who?”

“Me.”

“What are you? A nutritionist?”

“...Doyoung, a four year old knows you shouldn’t have ice cream for breakfast. Besides, you’re sensitive to dairy.”

“Yet you want me to eat toast with butter, which contains dairy. Wouldn’t be surprised if the bread does too.”

What Johnny loved the most about Jaehyun and Doyoung was that their sarcastic fights took very short breaks from time to time before being activated again. He hoped for Taeyong’s playful remarks to return soon, he missed them a lot.

“Johnny, tell Doyoung not to eat ice cream for breakfast.”

“Why would Johnny get to decide that for me?”

“Because he’s older than you?”

“I can’t tell you what to do, you’re old enough to think for yourself, but I wouldn’t suggest eating it.”, Johnny told Doyoung, while looking between the two. The looks he received differed severely.  

“Screw you two, I bought this pint yesterday and I skipped it yesterday night so I’m having it now.”

“The whole pint?”

“Fight me.”

Johnny caught the sad smile Jaehyun sent Doyoung’s way as he walked away with the vanilla flavored ice cream, but Johnny decided not to point out the obvious to one of the other English speakers of the group.

“Can I talk to you tonight? In private?”

“Of course? You don’t even have to ask that.”

“Thanks.”

He casted a glance at the clock. The others had to wake up in a few minutes. He had a feeling it would be a long morning.

 

“Where’s Doyoung?”, Taeyong asked, doing little to no movement to nourish his body. At this point it was not surprising. 

“He wanted to have ice cream for breakfast and I’m just guessing he went to his room.”

Johnny thought he could catch his younger boyfriend mumble something about ‘how can someone eat that?’ but he might as well just be delusional. It might just have been his mind playing tricks for him to confirm his own theory. He casted a glance at Taeyong’s long, slender fingers and raised his brows when he saw what they were doing. As Johnny was well aware by now, Taeyong would refuse to eat something that was not fruit in the morning, and the worried man took it upon himself to cut up two apples in order for the leader to actually eat. He watched as the fingers placed the slices of apple straight against each other, similar to the way sardines are sorted in their cans. Trying not to overthink everything said man did, Johnny glanced up again to look at his members to see Yuta giving Taeyong an odd look, which went unnoticed by Taeyong himself, who made a final touch with his...sorting before leaning back.

“Taeyong?”

He faced the oldest member of NCT.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

Their leader looked down again, before looking up and inhaling.

“...Yeah, I guess.”

The whole table was tense, Johnny thankful that the two members currently part of both Dream and 127 were staying in the Dream dorm. They should not be around at times like these, they were too young.

“It’s an apple, dear leader. Nothing harder than yesterday.”

“I-I forgot my phone in my room, I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll get it for you.”

When Taeyong was about to protest, Johnny caught his lips in a quick kiss. “Please eat it.”

 

In all honesty, Johnny had expected the whole phone thing to be a lie to get out of the breakfast situation, but the iPhone X was actually on the bedside table. As he was heading back to the kitchen, he could hear a faint disturbing sound in the silent hallway. Someone was being sick. When he was in the kitchen, all members but Doyoung and Winwin were present, but he was more than sure Winwin was in the living room, doing some calming exercise. The Chinese member liked to finish up breakfast quickly to get some time to sit down and do breathing exercises or stretching. Johnny considered joining him multiple times, but figured that would ruin the whole purpose of why Winwin did it alone to begin with. 

“Doyoung?”

He winced at the painful gag heard from the other side of the wooden door. 

“Y-yes?”

“Are you okay? Should I get Jaehyun?”

“Don’t get him. It’s fine.”

Yeah, Johnny probably would not want his significant other finding him hunched over a porcelain bowl either. He sighed.

“Open up. I’ll help you.”

It took a few moments before the door was opened slowly, Johnny having to open it to step inside himself, as Doyoung was already hanging above the sink, washing his face. The tension in the strong shoulders made him worried. What if he had caught some stomach bug? It would risk them all falling sick, and promotions were not even half-way through. 

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“It’s okay.”

“Your eyes are all red.”

“It was very forceful. Fuck, I hate vomiting dairy.”

“As opposed to vomiting in general?”, Johnny chuckled. “Jokes aside, why do you keep eating dairy if you know what might happen?”

”It’s cheaper than soy.”

Johnny stared off in the distance for a second. ”What do you mean?”

“Turns out I’m sensitive to soy too. But at least it didn’t taste anywhere near as bad as dairy. Why does soy have to be so damn expensive as opposed to this cheap crap?”

”No bad intentions meant now, but Doyoung, why would you keep buying ice cream if you’re sensitive to the main ingredient? Like I don't know, but maybe you should try oat instead?”

”I want it. When it goes down it tastes heavenly. Not quite as pleasant on the other way though. I'll try out oat ice cream if it makes you happy.”, Doyoung chuckled. “Do you mind leaving me alone when I shower?”

“I’ll wait outside.”

“You don’t ha-”

“Since I’m not allowed to get Jaehyun, I’ll be outside in case you feel bad again and need some type of help.”

Doyoung sighed. “Thanks, Johnny. Taeyong is lucky to have someone like you. I think he really needs it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm unsure of when the other part is coming, it's either friday [6th of july] or tuesday [10th of july]. we'll see. 
> 
> got questions or want to talk? contact me here, on twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly] or curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly]


	8. eighth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as of now, it looks like the next part will be up on next tuesday [july 17th] but there might be one before. depends on what route i decide to take. you can most likely count on there always being a chapter on tuesdays between 9:00PM-9:30PM [central european summer time/CEST]

Surprisingly, half of the apple slices were gone by the time Johnny got back to the kitchen, only noticing the fork in Taeyong’s left hand once he sat down beside him. 

“Your phone.”

“Thanks.”

The lips against his cheek were gone almost as quick as they had been pressed against the skin, Johnny still finding warmth in the show of affection. 

“Hey, you still have to finish.”

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Are you ever?”

It came out harsher than he intended, but Taeyong did not flinch the slightest. Johnny could still see his jaw tighten before he choked out a ‘yes’. 

“Taeyong?”

Johnny was thankful Taeil stepped in, or else the couple would probably spend the whole day in an angry staring contest. 

“Yes?”

“You should eat up. You need energy for the whole day.”

The clinking of the fork being put down on the small plate dragged the attention of some of the other table-sat members. 

“It’s alright. I’m not really hungry.”

“Stop bullshitting, there is more than half left. You won’t stand on that little through the morning practice.”, Yuta gave him a judging but caring frown, an expression Johnny would say was owned by Yuta, as he had yet to see someone else wear it.

“Don’t worry about it.”, Taeyong mumbled as he made an effort to stand up. Johnny quickly put his hand on his boyfriend’s right shoulder, pushing down weakly, without forcing Taeyong to sit. He did nonetheless. 

“Why don’t you wanna eat?”, Yuta continued. 

“I-it’s not...it’s not like that.”

“Care to explain?”

Johnny took a hold of both of the slender hands, stroking the upside softly. Both palms were beginning to sweat, and Johnny knew better than anyone that Taeyong would end up hurting himself if he had his hands to himself. Not intentionally hurting himself, but he had a habit of picking his skin around his hands and wrists when he was uncomfortable to the point of being anxious. The glazy doe eyes and rapidly growing breathing told Johnny Taeyong was mentally balancing on a fine line between keeping his act together and breaking down then and there. 

“It’s okay, hon. Calm down. I’m sorry for snapping at you, okay?”

“I just need to be alone.”

“You definitely shouldn’t be alone right n-”

“I need to talk to Doyoung.”

“Doyoung’s sick.”

“Is Doyoung sick?”

Jaehyun stood up before getting an answer and got ready to head to their shared bedroom when Doyoung appeared in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest with a raised eyebrow. 

“Doyoung is not sick. Doyoung is as fine as he can be.”, he said with heavy emphasis on his own name. 

“Doyoung, you do look a little pale.”, Taeil, who was sat on the edge opposite of Johnny, said when standing up to feel the 96-liner’s forehead.

“Grandpa, no. I’m fine. I don’t know why Johnny would say something as stu-”   
“You were vomiting.”

“Taeil, let me pass.”

Jaehyun stumbled his way to his broad-shouldered lover, holding onto the firm upper arms. 

“Doyoung, be honest. Are you sick?”

“No, it was just the ice cream!”

“When did you have ice cream? Why didn’t you give me some?”, Yuta complained. “Boy, what is this dramatic morning?”

“Babe, I’m fine, sit your ass back down and eat.”

“You should eat something proper.”

“I’m not really in an eating mood at the moment.”

“That’s new.”, Yuta commented.

“Got that right. First for everything, right?”

“What is this group coming to? Member after member lose their appetite.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in here with the loss of an appetite right now.”, Doyoung chuckled and Johnny restrained from standing up to hit him then and there. He could not understand why the bunny lookalike was acting so shady. “You wanted to talk to me, leader?”

Johnny tried to hold onto Taeyong, having a bad gut feeling about what the two best friends’ conversation could turn into. 

“It’s alright. We’ll be right back.”

As he felt lips press against his forehead, he let go of Taeyong’s hands. 

 

“That was...strange.”

“Seriously, why is he like that?”

“When was Doyoung sick? How do you know?”

Johnny felt three pair of eyes on him. 

“Honestly. I have no idea what is going on. I know Doyoung is sick, because I found him in the bathroom. I told him I’d go get you but he didn’t want that. As for Taeyong…”, Johnny sighed as he let his elbows rest on the table, hands supporting his heavy head. “I don’t even know why he’s still doing it. He said he just wanted to drop a few pounds but now he’s so skinny, the skinny jeans he wore last month have started to go baggy. I really want to call some sort of therapist. Before it’s too late.”

“I just don’t understand. What is wrong with him?”

“Yuta, he’s sick. He’s not right mentally.”

“If he’s so sick he should just eat. Eating solves all problems, including being sick.”

“But he doesn’t want to?”, Taeil sounded desperate, Johnny would assume it was about not knowing what to do. 

“Force-feed him then. It’s not healthy for someone as active as him to eat so little. Is he like that every meal?”

“He lied to me.”, Johnny chuckled, rubbing his hands over his face before letting his head tilt up to face the others. “He told me he went out eating with Ten after every single practice they had together. Ten said he always turned the request down.”

“I’m so sorry Johnny. I know it’s hard to grasp this whole illness suspicion thing, and even the few members who know a little, have no idea what to do. Maybe you should take it up with the manager?”

Johnny weighed Jaehyun’s suggestion for a while. If he told their manager, their manager would tell the CEO and then Taeyong would most likely be put in some kind of interview to get to the bottom of things and put a final statement to his whole behavior. Worst case scenario would be having their leader out of the group because of how he was acting regarding food. If they did not tell their manager on the other hand...then Taeyong would never improve. Johnny had tried to tell him what beautiful body the dancer owned, and for unknown reasons, Taeyong refused to accept the compliments. He did not even have to buy the compliments, they were all for free, yet he waved them away as if they were a curse that would cause him to spiral out of control. As if accepting them would slowly ruin him instead of strengthening his mentality. As of now, Johnny felt trapped in a state of confusion. Taeyong had always been a mystery, but with time passing by, he got harder and harder to solve, the hints dropping making no sense to Johnny. He really had no idea what to do. 

 

“I don’t want to hear those words leave your mouth ever again.”

“Doyoung, please. It’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad? It’s awful. Nothing about it is ‘not bad’.”

“It works for you, doesn’t it?”

“It’s different. We’re different. Our bodies work different and respond to things differently. My body is used to this. Yours isn’t. Don’t make it used to it either.”

“That’s really not fair.”

“With as little as you eat, you shouldn’t do it.”

“What are you two arguing about now?”

The members about to fight each other faced the door, Johnny feeling as if he interrupted something important judging by them both looking like a deers caught in headlights.

“I want the best for Taeyong. I don’t want him to practice when he’s not eating correctly.”

“Oh please, as if you eat well.”

“I eat very well.”

“I agree with Doyoung on this. Taeyong, if you don’t at least finish the apples, you cannot practice.”

“I’m fine.”

“No. If another member would eat very little and then go to practice for hours, would you just let it slide then?”

“That’s not the same.”

“Tell us. How is it not the same?”

“It’s beyond what I can explain to you, but it’s far from the same. No words I say could ever make you understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got questions or want to talk? talk to me here or on twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly] or curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly]


	9. ninth

“You look in no shape to practice.”

“Yuta, you don’t get to be the judge of that.”

“Okay, leader, ask any other member.”

“I think he’s fine.”

“Thanks Doyoung.”

Johnny was glad for Doyoung’s sake that Doyoung himself was busy talking to the other two, or else he would have to face Johnny’s angry glare. Doyoung was such a two-faced fox, it bugged Johnny to no end. Johnny felt himself speak up before he could stop himself.

“Fun how you say that now.”

“Johnny. He did what we told him to do.”

Johnny crossed his arms over his chest, raising his chin slightly. Doyoung left Jaehyun hanging in the middle of their conversation to make his way to Johnny.

“He did what we asked him to do, if you’re so dissatisfied with it, talk to him. There’s nothing more we can do now.”

“Yes, there is, we can ban him from practicing.”

“Then I hope you take it upon yourself to explain to both the manager and choreographer why he’s absent? We’re supposed to be working on the next 127 comeback today, it’s supposed to be released in two weeks. Go ahead.”

“Doyoung, come back here. We need your opinion on this!”, Jaehyun called him to go back to Jaehyun and Winwin. 

“Can’t believe how important my opinion seems to be wherever I go.”

Johnny hoped Doyoung would thank both Winwin and Jaehyun for saving him. If not, there was a chance NCT 127 would be no more. 

 

“Take it from the top.”

“Yes sir!”

They got into their starting positions and waited for the choreographer to start the song over again. Johnny took a glance at Taeyong through the mirror, and resisted the urge to cut the practice session off. They had already gotten through the dance four times in the latest hour, a minor mistakes still present, but that was just the way it worked. It was not something unusual anyway. But seeing Taeyong looking as pale as he was now...It was not worth it. At his best, when not being whitewashed by their staff for the sake of their image, Taeyong had a nice skin tone, nothing like the sickly pale he had now. Not even when being whitewashed, he was this pale. He had no more time to think about it, as the song started. He still kept an eye on his beloved. 

It was not until Mark and Taeyong’s own little part after the first chorus of the song they were practicing, that Johnny grew even more worried. He could not read Mark’s lips, but he assumed it had something to do with Taeyong’s well-being as Taeyong sent a tired smile back. Johnny was not sure whether to take it well or not. The rest of the routine went okay, Taeyong’s every move sloppier with the time passing, until the very last beat of the song. As if everything going in slow motion, Johnny witnessed how a body fell from the corner of his eyes, Winwin’s cry after the leader making his whole body feel as if he had been dumped in ice water. He turned fast enough to see both Taeyong and Winwin fall to the floor, Winwin’s hands making sure Taeyong’s head did not hit the ground. In an instant, the group gathered around the two, the choreographer pushing through them. 

“Is he breathing? Is his heart beating? Is he conscious?”

He did not wait for answers, immediately looking around for all signs himself. 

“Okay, he appears to have fainted, but we can’t judge by his pulse because well. Just danced. But he’s breathing and that’s a great sign. I need to go get something sugary, can keep his body on floor-level until I’m back. If he awakens, don’t let him stand, sitting is okay if it’s slowly. Okay?”

Upon receiving several nods, the choreographer was out of the door. 

“W-what the fuck?”, Mark whispered, no one caring to call him out for the language used. 

Johnny’s vision was only half-clear, but he continued to stroke the head of the fainted leader, the head that was comfortably placed in Winwin’s lap. 

“Winwin, you really pulled a hero card there.”, Yuta mumbled, giving said member a pat on the shoulder, before letting his arm rest over the broad shoulders. Johnny felt someone grab his hand that was not on Taeyong’s hair and turned his head sideways to come face to face with Doyoung. He wanted to rip his hand out of the hold, but it was nice to have someone being supportive.

“He will be okay.”

“You can’t guarantee that.”

“Look down.”

Looking back down at his boyfriend, Johnny felt like a weight was lifted from his chest, breathing becoming easier in an instant. Taeyong had begun moving slightly, small movements and eyebrows forming a frown before the eyes started to blink open slowly. 

“Hello.”, Winwin greeted, Johnny finding himself chuckling at the action. 

“What happened?”, Taeyong whispered.

“You passed out on us.”

“Sorry.”

“Why did you pass out?”, Haechan asked, sitting down beside Winwin. Taeyong ran a hand through his hair, before letting his arm lay over his eyes.

“I’m just a little tired.”

“And why is that?”, Johnny scoffed, Taeyong not being able to answer as the choreographer entered the room with his arms full of juice boxes. 

“Drink up little ducklings. I have talked to your manager and he’s on his way. Oh, you’re awake! Good, then there’s no need to call an ambulance.”

The choreographer walked up to where half of the group was sitting, squatting down in front of the member who had fainted, handing over one of the juice boxes.

“No, it’s alright, I’ll just-”

“Drink.”

“I-I’ll just get some water, no need-”

“You need sugar. You just fainted, I’d take a guess and say it’s because of low blood pressure or something like that. I’ve already been scolded by the manager once for not calling the ambulance and not propping your legs up. Don’t make me get scolded again.”

Johnny was amazed over how well the choreographer knew Taeyong at this point. Sure, they had been working together for most of NCT’s time, going back to The 7th Sense, but not even Johnny had thought of using this method to get Taeyong to do something necessary, such as eating. Why had Johnny not considered making Taeyong feel bad for not eating? 

“Come on now. It’s just some juice.”

A shaky hand reached out to take it, hand lifting the package upwards to read on it, only to have Jaehyun rip it out of his hands. 

“Don’t read the labels.”

Of course. Of course that was the biggest worry. Why could Taeyong not be as scared of collapsing as he was of not eating something that was not of his own choice?

“Listen up, all of you.”, the choreographer made sure to cast every member a look, indicating the next words were not directed at just one person. “If you faint, then all diets are worth breaking. I know you have to be on intense diets, especially now before promoting, but if you don’t feel well, eat something. Just something.”

The oldest in the room let his gaze fall back on their leader, patting his leg weakly before standing up. 

“I have to talk to your manager about something. No one has the allowance to practice until I come back, hear that?”, no one spoke against him. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i'm going away on a short trip so i'm not quite sure if i will be able to update next tuesday, but there will be an update next week but as of now it's unsure which day.
> 
> questions or want to talk? contact me here, on twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly] or anonymously on curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly]


	10. tenth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:  
> me last week: i will never be able to update fuckkk  
> this week: here's the update 7 minutes to 9 instead of 9 sharp

“Drink the juice, babe.”, Johnny practically begged his lover, who was still sat on the floor. Instead of a reply, Johnny received a look, a look his favorite pair of eyes should not reflect. It made his chest ache. But he could not give up. Giving up meant letting Taeyong continue his dangerous habits. Never in his right or wrong mind, would Johnny ever do that. “Please. Think about Mark and Donghyuck.”

Pullnig the same card as the choreographer had done, trying to prove how badly he wanted their leader to fulfill his wish by using Haechan’s real name. They usually did not.

“I just...can’t. Can’t I just have water instead?”

“As mister dance teacher said, you need sugar.”, Yuta pointed out from where he had placed himself on the sofa in the far left corner. “It’s just juice. No need to be so afraid.”

Johnny felt a slender hand hold onto his own. Taeyong’s heart was beating hard enough for Johnny to feel it as if it was his own.

“Why won’t you just drink it?”, the whole group faced their youngest. “It’s not hard. It’s just juice.”

“I’m sorry.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Johnny saw Doyoung stand up and reach a hand out for the struggling man in the middle of the room.

“Come.”

“Doyoung, I don’t think-”

“Jaehyun. What do you think I’m going to do?”

“Who knows, what are you going to do?”, Johnny questioned. He wanted to pretend not to notice how much looser the grip on his hand got, but as soon as he had cast a glance down, he knew Taeyong knew how he felt.

“Sorry Do, but choreographer said not to move.”, Taeil spoke up to prevent a possible fight.

“Guys, you’re not helping.”

They all fell silent.

“Come with me, Yongie.”

 

“Johnny, what is wrong with Taeyong?”

Johnny faced Mark, an uncertain look dressing his features. As soon as the Korean duo had left, Mark had walked straight up to him in worry. Had it not been for Doyoung grabbing two juice boxes, Johnny would have had a difficulty controlling his emotions.

“He’s not feeling very well, is he?”, Haechan asked soon after.

“He usually loves this drink.”

“He’s struggling a little right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s...It’s difficult.”

“I’d gladly accept the full story.”

Johnny turned to the door where the choreographer stood in company of one of the managers.

“Why are two members missing? More specifically the member who has fainted.”

“He refused to drink the juice,”, Winwin started to explain as softly as only he could. “Doyoung brought him out to get him to do it.”

The manager frowned, eyebrows furrowed tightly. “Well, this ain’t good.”

“What?”

The man sighed, hands pressing his glasses further up his nose, taking in all the members’ curious and anticipating eyes.

“I’ll interview him. We can’t have him collapsing here and there.”

Johnny was not sure what it was but suddenly his ears started ringing as if someone was playing the recorder incorrectly.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not exactly the first time in these last couple of weeks he has collapsed. This time he just happened to be unconscious too."

Nausea. Dizziness. Growing headache. Johnny felt them all.

"Why haven't we been told?"

"He said it's because he hasn't been sleeping well and has gotten up in the matter of minutes once his body has given in."

"But we always practice together.", Yuta frowned. "He never collapsed with us or with Ten?"

"It's often in the after hours."

"When you have meetings?"

"Did he say that?"

"He always does. Almost every day."

"This is more serious than we thought. We only have meetings two times a month."

 

As soon as Taeyong and Doyoung had come back, the manager brought their leader outside for a talk, Johnny being denied coming with them.

"We'll talk after.", the manager had said.

"Did he drink the juice then?", Jaehyun questioned his boyfriend, as said man sat down between Jaehyun's legs.

"Massage my scalp, will you? And yes, he did. It's just difficult for him to do so in a room filled with people who watches his every move."

"Thank you for doing it, Doyoung.", Taeil took it upon himself to speak for the whole group. Not like anyone felt indifferent.

"Don't worry about it. I just want the best for him, you know?"

Johnny watched as Jaehyun's arms wrapped around the black-haired male in front of him, snuggling into his neck. There was a look in his eyes, a look quite unfamiliar to Johnny. Like a strange mix of longing, sadness and worry all in one.

"We know."

It made Johnny miss Taeyong even more. Sure, they were in an established relationship since long back, but nothing felt like before. Almost as if they were growing more and more distant all the time. It was painful. Part of him felt as if they were sailing a storm that already had begun shredding the ship piece by piece. But they were not alone, the members were the crew trying to keep the ship afloat by shoveling water with their hands. Johnny wondered if their ship was too late to save already.

“How was the juice?”, Jaehyun asked the man in front of him.

“Burned my throat a little but I guess it was nice. Refreshing if anything.”

“Feeling energized?”

“I have a slight headache actually.”

“Oh, I have painkillers!”, Winwin told him, about to scur to his bag before Doyoung told him off. It was no surprise their Chinese member had, his bag was more of a portable medical cabinet than a training bag.

“No need, my Chinese little prince. They won’t do any good either. We’re eating soon, right?”

“I think we have to call it a day regarding the dancing. The best thing to do is wait for your manager’s orders. I...Depending on the difference in Taeyong and Johnny’s answers, this might take much longer than what honesty would have made it do.”

“So we’ll be in here forever, because homeboy won’t be telling the truth.”, Doyoung stated, arms laying on top Jaehyun’s, trying to tighten the grip.

“You’ve lost weight too.”

“My body is not used to dancing this much.”

“If you were to stop eating...or copy whatever dangerous habits Taeyong does...I don’t even know what I’d do, Young.”

“Oh, don’t you worry! I could never go through with starving my body.”

“Good. As long as you’re healthy. Just please don’t eat ice cream for breakfast.”

“Nothing I can promise, Dimple Dude. I don’t like to listen to them boys.”

“As if you have someone else but me in your life.”

“Wow, you’re really out here raising yourself to the skies.”

Everything about what Doyoung said, from the tone of his voice to where he put emphasis, exposed it as a joke. It did not make the sudden tension in Jaehyun’s shoulders unnoticed by Johnny. Suddenly he had an idea of what Jaehyun might wanted to talk to him about.

“Kidding. Who else would I date? Who else would put up with my nagging?”

“When did I put up with it?”

“Technically you don’t. But at least you don’t hit me like Yuta does.”

“I only hit you when you deserve it.”, Yuta pointed out from where he was using his phone, face immediately going back down to scroll on the screen.

“Justification on point.”

“Boo-fucking-hoo.”

“Your have scars on your hands.”

Doyoung’s attention turned from Yuta to Johnny in an instant, eyebrow twitching slightly, before he took a glance at his hands.

“They are just dry. It’s winter after all.”

“You gotta start using hand lotion then.”

“No, it’ll be alright.”

“Johnny?”

The manager had once again arrived in the doorway.

“I might need to do this interview with the both of you, for the sake of both of you. Can you possibly come with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got questions or want to talk? contact me here, on twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly], anonymously on curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly] or on snapchat [salamiipnida]


	11. eleventh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK <3 
> 
> alsooo, can someone tell me if mark is leaving dream now or not because i'm confused?? some say it's this year, other says it's next so i'm like unsure. because i think it's this year, since sm once said it's when the idol's international age is 19, which makes their korean age 20 and perfectly reasonable as well, but would also mean that it's this year............
> 
> next part will be up on tuesday [7th of august] if nothing goes wrong.

As soon as he had exited the room, the manager led him to his office, where Taeyong had managed to fit himself onto a chair with his knees pulled up and arms wrapped around them to have them stay in place. It was like a reminder of how bad he had gotten. Swallowing the bile rising in his throat, he managed to smile at his boyfriend, moving one of the free chairs as close as possible to the chair the 127-leader was sitting on, in order to be able to reach his arm out across the back of the other’s chair. 

“Hi.”, he whispered.

Taeyong closed his eyes and leaned his head on Johnny’s shoulder, small sobs escaping his lips ever so often. Johnny had not been prepared for the red-head to react in such way, he had expected him to be as stubborn as he usually was, protesting and ready to fight for his right to continue following his own eating habits. 

“Hey, hey, now.”, Johnny mumbled, wasting no time before wrapping his arms around the upset young man. “Babe, don’t cry.”

From the corner of his eyes, Johnny could see the manager take a seat behind his desk. As he looked up to face the manager properly, he saw how the older man removed his glasses, letting his bothered eyes be the focus instead. 

“Taeyong. Tell Johnny what we’ve talked about.”

“I-it’s nothing.”

“No, what did we talk about?”

“...My eating habits.”

“And what about those eating habits?”

“No one thinks it’s okay.”

“Why have you been following those eating habits?”

“Because I want to lose weight.”

“Do you still?”

“Yes.”

Johnny clenched his teeth, he was almost surprised they did not shatter then and there. “Taeyong…Why would you want to lose weight?”

“It’s just...I’m not good enough.”

Johnny leaned back, gripping Taeyong’s shoulders the best he could as Taeyong was hunched over his knees. Realizing it did not help, he grabbed the side of Taeyong’s head instead, turning his gaze towards him. His thumbs grazed the cheeks, between the sharp jawline and cheekbones. 

“Who ever told you you’re not enough?”

“Me. I told me so.”

“So. Here’s the deal. There are three options.”, the manager started. “First option - leaving NCT until mentally in a better place. He can’t continue like this. We care about your well-being. We give you strict diets in order for you not to fall into those...traps. The second option is postponing the next comeback and focus on recovery as a whole, without having to take a break from NCT. This option, however, requires full focus which allows no cheating. The third...might not be suited for you but I think you should consider it. The third option is leaving NCT permanently.”

Johnny could feel his muscles tense, quickly turning his attention back to Taeyong, letting his hands move down to his neck instead. If Taeyong’s eyes were naturally wide, they were now on the verge of popping out. 

“Breathe.”, Johnny had to remind him, noticing how Taeyong’s chest stopped moving for a few seconds.

“For whatever option you go for, I know several fantastic specialist in this field, and I won’t hesitate to give you their names. It’s not my choice to make, but if I were you I’d definitely go for therapy.”

When weighing the options, Johnny felt like they all were good in their own ways. He would just prefer if Taeyong did not go for the third one. If the third option was chosen, he promised to still be as supportive as of the others. Taeyong needed him, who would he be to leave at a time like this?

“Taeyong?”

Johnny felt the younger break free of his grip, head turning to face the manager properly.  

“I-I...Please. Whatever you do, please get help.”

“I don’t want-”

“What you’re doing is deadly. You’re playing with your life.”

A hand came up to grip Johnny’s shirt sleeve loosely. 

“I-I don’t want to g-gain weight again.”

Johnny eyed the manager carefully as the man in front of him bit his bottom lip, eyes narrowing slightly. Then he moved to the block of paper, taking two pieces of paper before doodling on one, waiting for some color to appear. He started scribbling down something on the other paper, handing the paper over when he was done. Johnny accepted it, taking a look at the neat handwriting.

“Doctor Shin?”

“Best psychologist I know. He’s specified in eating disorders disorted eating habits. I’m sure you’d get along well. It’s up to you...but please make a call.”

“I can do it by myself.”, Taeyong started speaking against the manager, but the oldest in the room was having none of it. 

“No. That’s exactly what you can’t. That’s why I gave you this number. Call it Taeyong. Pick up your phone and give Doctor Shin a call. I can leave the room if you want to do it in privacy, and I’ll send the others to an early lunch. Okay?”

 

“Are you going to give Doctor Shin a call?”

“I don’t know.”

They were alone in the room, but the atmosphere made it feel natural to speak quietly. 

“Can you please do it? If not for yourself, do it for us. We need you.”

Taeyong stood up, not without wobbling a little, causing Johnny to fly out of his own seat to take a hold of him. When he felt stable enough, Taeyong started pacing the room.

“I just...I don’t want to ruin my progress.”

“How is it progress?”

He definitely should have phrased it differently, the offended look Taeyong gave him showing him he had worded himself wrongly. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean...why do you think it’s progress? You have always been thin.”

“I weight too much, Johnny. That’s why.”

“How much do you weigh?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“How much do you weigh?”

“Stop asking.”

Johnny walked up to his boyfriend, who had stopped by the glass cabinet in the manager’s office. He gripped the thin waist, hands running soothingly from his waist to his hips, up and down. He leaned down to nudge his nose against Taeyong’s, catching his attention while doing so.

“Please. Call Doctor Shin. I’ll go with you, and if you don’t like it, you can quit it again. But try.”

Taeyong’s lips twitched upwards slightly, eyes going up to make eye contact with Johnny’s. He nodded.

“Thank you.”, Johnny mumbled, his mumble being the loudest phrase uttered in their whole conversation. He kissed Taeyong’s forehead, pulling the shorter into a tight embrace. “Thank you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i was supposed to put it up on tuesday but couldn't and decided to post it on mark's birthday instead, hope it's alright~
> 
> got a question or want to talk? contact me here, on twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly] or (anonymously) on curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly]


	12. twelfth

“I think we should wait until manager gets back to call.”

“Taeyong, dial the number.”

“Johnny, I just think we should-”

Johnny reached into his pocket to pick up his phone. 

“Dial the number, okay? You told me seconds ago you would. Don’t turn back now.”

He felt hands grace his face, pulling his head down, making his neck ache, but his focus quickly turning to the concerned brown eyes. 

“Please, baby, trust me. We’ll wait for the manager to make the call.”

“But-”

“Hush.”

A second later, lips were pressing against his own, Johnny losing himself for a minute, waking as soon as he felt a tongue swipe against his bottom lip, backing a few steps. The hurtful look he received for what he did was almost enough to make him take steps forward again. Almost.

“Don’t...don’t try to distract me.”

“I’m not-That’s not what I’m doing!”

“You heard what the manager said. This is about your life, not anything else. I just…”, Johnny had to run a hand through his hair and take a few deep breaths. He would not cry, not right now. “I don’t want you to d-die, you know?”

“Johnny, I won’t die, it’s-”

“Are you stupid?!”

He felt bad for snapping, but he figured there was no easy way to get his point across. Reality really had no simple way of telling people they are not as sane as they think. 

“You’re being rid-”

“You will die, Taeyong. You let this continue, and the next time you collapse on us, you may not even be alive. But sure, you won’t feel anything, will you? But maybe take us into consideration. You know? The people who will have to deal with your dead body. A little selfish of you not to care about us. See you at lunch? If you don’t decide to continue killing yourself and skip it, of course. Bye?”

He ripped the door open and slammed it shut, pretending he did not hear the younger’s cries for him to stop.

 

The mirror was cool against his skin, cooling one side of his face as the other was still as hot from the tears that finally had come to an end. He had cried. He made the mistake of thinking ahead of time, imagining finding his boyfriend drop dead on the floor in their practice room. Or even worse - what if Taeyong died during the night for Johnny to wake up with his corpse beside him? It had fresh tears lining up in his eyes. Picking up his phone, he scrolled through his contacts, stopping at his mother’s name, waiting for the lovely voice on the other side to greet him.

“John, why aren’t you calling on Viber? Do you have any idea how expensive this will be?”

“Mom.”

His mother’s tone changed immediately.

“Youngho, what’s wrong?”

“M-mom, I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re scaring me! What is wrong? Did something happen?”

“All I want is for him to call a number but he’s refusing.”

“Deep breaths, honey, take a few deep breaths and then tell me what’s on your mind, hm?”

He closed his eyes while turning his body sideways to rest the back of his head against the mirror rather than the side of his face. The temperature difference between his right and left side was almost laughable. 

“Taeyong is very sick, mom.”

“Have you asked him to go to the doctor’s office?”

“Not...not like that. He just...won’t eat.”

He could hear a sharp inhale of breath on the other side of the phone.

“Oh, Johnny...I’m not sure what to say.”

“Our manager gave us a number to a psychiatrist or something, but Tae refuses to call. He doesn’t want help.”

“Have you asked him if he wants your help?”

“He’s pretty clear when he refuses to eat anything!”

“Calm down, calm down. Listen carefully to me, Johnny. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want help. Just because he doesn’t verbally ask for help, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it. I’m...I’m not sure how severe it is...but the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to solve.”

“So I should call the psychiatrist myself?”

“Ask him if he needs help. If he’s not willing to do it, tell him you’ll do it.  _ Nicely _ . Don’t threaten him, guide him.”

“I’ll try. Thanks, mom. You’re the best!”

“Take care of both yourself and your guy. And please...update me on how it goes.”

 

Opening the door again was terrifying, he was not sure what he’d find. Going slowly, he expected to find a red-haired head, and he was not wrong. Taeyong was sitting on the floor, hunched together, small sobs wrecking his frame ever so often. From this angle, Johnny could really see how tiny Taeyong had become over the span of a month a few more weeks. It was terrifying. 

“Tae?”

“Go away.”

Johnny wanted Taeyong to shout at him. Tell him how justified he was to react angry and give Johnny the same treatment. He did not want the younger to sound so weak. It did not suit him. 

“Babe, listen.”, he walked closer, slowly letting his hand reach forward to touch his shoulder blades. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Sure you didn’t, that’s why you said it.”

Johnny sat down beside him, intending to wrap his arm around the fragile shoulders but being shaken off before managing to come around. He sighed. 

“I talked to my mom.”

The leader snapped his head up. Johnny wanted to embrace him and hide him away from all harm he has had his way, and protect him from all future pain he knew they would both have to face. How unfair the world could be. 

“Did you...What did you tell her?”

Not thinking twice, the taller grabbed the shorter’s hand, surprised when the grip was held tighter.

“I told her you were struggling a little. And asked what to do.”

“And she told you…?”

“She wants you to make the call.”

The refusal of eye contact had Johnny unsure of what would happen. 

“But if I don’t want to?”

“We’ve already had this conversation now, haven’t we?”

“Yeah.”

Johnny picked his phone up from his back pocket, standing up to get the piece of paper he left on the desk. He dialed the number and went to sit beside Taeyong, grabbing his hand again. He handed the phone which Taeyong accepted. The hand holding the phone was shaking. 

“Should I make the call?”

As soon as he saw the tears in Taeyong’s eyes, he took back his phone. 

“Do you need my help, Taeyong?”

“I thought you would never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next part will be up on monday.


	13. thirteenth

“So, he wants us to come by next week, he would message the manager the exact time.”

“But we might have schedule-”, Johnny found himself glaring at the shorter. “-that I will cancel. A schedule I will cancel.”

Johnny reached out his hand to intertwine the two’s fingers. 

“We should go eat.”

Johnny was thankful Taeyong did not speak up about it. Sure, his facial expression fell, but Johnny could choose to ignore that, as he did by dragging the leader out of the room, towards the SM cafeteria. 

“What do you feel like eating?”

“Johnny, I...I don’t know, I just-”

“No panic. No need to panic. It’s a simple meal, nothing you haven’t done before.”

Johnny continued to drag the other to the cafeteria, not oblivious to the way the grip on his hand got tighter. He ended up ordering a simple serving of bibimbap, as it was practically impossible not to enjoy that dish. Sitting down at the table, in front of Taeyong, he noticed the glossy eyes staring at the food in front, the tension in the sharp jawline visible.

“Hey. It’s alright.”

“Y-yeah.”

To Johnny’s surprise, Taeyong picked up the utensils without putting up some sort of fight. They ate in silence, Johnny looking up as soon as he was done to see Taeyong having only ate half of his own. There was no indication from him that he would continue.

“Tae?”

“I don’t want more.”

“A little?”

“No, Johnny, I can’t.”

Johnny picked up his spoon, reaching across the table and scooping some rice, vegetables and meat up and blew it, despite it not being very warm, before handing it over towards Taeyong, who’s first intention was to lean away. Johnny refrained from pushing the spoon forward and waited for Taeyong to get over his fear and accept the food. Eventually he did, Johnny feeling a smile grow big on his lips. 

“You’re doing great. One more.”

He managed to get him to eat almost half of what was left. 

“You must’ve been starving.”

 

They met up with the rest of the group for the afternoon practice. While they were all warming up, Yuta came to join his fellow 95-liners.

“What did the manager want to talk about?”

“Nothing.”

“So we’re just going to pretend everything is fine?”   
“Everything is fine.”

“Whatever you say, leader. When you want to talk about it, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks Yuta.”

Yuta walked back to where Winwin and Taeil sat and made small-talk. 

“Yuta has a strange way of showing affection.”, Johnny mumbled. “But I hope you know he cares a lot. He’s just not one for bullshit.”

“Oh, I know. You get used to it.”

“Is everyone here?”

The choreographer said as he stepped into the room, his phone in the hand he used to count the heads in the room. 

“Okay, good. I have some news regarding this song. Sit down everyone.”

They sat in a circle in the middle of the floor, all attention on the oldest.

“So. I talked to the CEO and your manager. They are very concerned about the whole situation and would like to keep it in the dark from the public. Taeyong has a very big decision to make but there’s no need to rush it. The CEO assumes it’ll end with this comeback being postponed for a few weeks.”

A head came to rest on Johnny’s shoulder, Johnny wrapping his arm around the red-head beside him. He tilted his head to kiss the head of hair, an action that did not go unnoticed by the choreographer who’s lips turned upwards quickly before they went down again. 

“This way, we can cut back the pace a little and make sure everything is close to perfect when recording. Sounds okay?”

Everyone gave their agreement. Johnny thought he could hear Doyoung mumbled something along the lines of ‘thank fuck’, but he was not sure. Maybe it was his own thought being louder than usual. Having to slow down their intense schedule was a blessing.

“We really deserve to go a slower pace.”

For once in a while, Johnny found himself agreeing with Doyoung.

 

“Leader, what are we having for dinner?”

“What are you wishing for?”

“I don’t know. I’d eat whatever you make.”

“That’s sweet of you, Winwin, but you don’t have to do that. If you have something you prefer, I can make it.”

“Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. I just want you to make something you would eat.”

Johnny could tell Taeyong was taken back by the Chinese member’s statement, but Winwin on the other hand seemed to have expected that exact reaction. 

“We just want you to be well.”

“Our Prince of China is right.”, Jaehyun wrapped his arm around his fellow 97-liner’s broad shoulders. “As long as you eat, we don’t care what you make.”

“Alright. I’ll try.”

Johnny sat by the dining table, watching Taeyong prepare black bean sauce noodles, not missing the way the fingers twitched from time to time or how they sometimes started to shake for a minute or two.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, sure, just peachy. Perfect. Fantastic. Couldn’t be better-”

“-Taeyong-”

“-the happiest person on the planet would be jealous, I’m feeling spectacular, marvelous, just-”

“-TAEYONG!”

At the same time as Johnny, almost, yelled the leader’s name, he grabbed both wrists, as the knife cutting vegetables had started going up and down harshly. Harshly enough for Johnny to worry about Taeyong’s fingers.

“The whole groups is behind you and your need to...get to a better place mentally. We won’t judge you. We won’t laugh at you. Most importantly, we won’t force you to be happy every single day. If you wake up feeling bad, tell us. We won’t let you face this all alone.”

“It’s just, you shouldn’t have to do so, I’m an adult, I should be able to take care of myself.”

“I’m not sure where you got that from. I asked if you wanted my help, right? That means I am more than willing to help you with whatever you face. Don’t push us away, okay?”

He got no answer, as Taeyong refused to face him. Johnny did his natural way of getting attention, by nudging his nose against Taeyong’s head. It was not as successful as it usually was, his thoughts running from idea to idea of how to get the attention he was looking for. He let his hands land on the back of Taeyong’s head, fingers intertwining in the thin hair, pulling carefully to tilt the head upwards.

“We’ll make the rest of dinner together, okay? And then we will all eat together. Sounds good?”

“I-I don’t know, everyone will look a-and think I’m greedy and disgusting.”

“No one will think that. We all love you, judging you is the last thing we’d do. If you want me to write 100 pages of what I like about you, I am all in for it. Would you like that?”   
“That’s going overboard, isn’t it?”   
Johnny could hear his own laughter echo in the kitchen, as he let out a heartfelt laugh. 

“You think I cannot easily come up with 100 things I love about you? Who do you take me for?”

The tint of red across the shorter’s cheeks fit him well, Johnny loved to see it. It made Taeyong look less sick for a few seconds. Johnny leaned forward to let their lips brush.

“How about this - I have to talk to Jaehyun after dinner, but once we’re done, I will start my handwritten list of things I love, okay? I’ll tell you one thing every day for the rest of this year.”

“That’s more than a 100.”

“Oh, you think I’d struggle? Let’s bet on it.”   
“What to bet on?”

“Your health.”

“W-what?”   
“Every morning, as soon as we wake up, I’ll start the day by telling you one thing I love. As long as I don’t stutter, you will have to eat what I tell you to eat. If I stutter the slightest, you can have it your way. Deal?”

Something about how Taeyong smirked, made Johnny feel uneasy. The fact that he already had a list of things he would start of with, made him feel at ease again.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next part will be up on tuesday [21st of august]!
> 
> i have once again re-installed line and kakaotalk, so if you want to talk there, my id is: taemarkly
> 
> also, happy birthday to jaemin, massive love to you <3


	14. fourteenth

“So what do you need to talk to me about?”

Johnny had watched Jaehyun fidget for almost ten minutes before he took it upon himself to ask. The younger would not start the conversation himself, which was worrisome as it was, but as the fidgeting and obvious nervosity was too out of Jaehyun’s usual personality, it was even worse. It was odd to see the normally confident man so...insecure. 

“There is this thing.”

“Oh yeah?”

He watched as Jaehyun made his way from his own bed to sit on the edge of Johnny’s, where Johnny had his feet. 

“What is this thing?”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Really working hard to avoid the subject now, are you?”

Jaehyun refused to make eye contact with him, Johnny working to find it but not receiving it. 

“It’s just...if I say it out loud, isn’t it automatically real?”

“Jaehyun, it’s real whether you say it out loud or not. However, if you tell someone about it, the only reason it feels more real is because you might have to face it.”

“Thanks Sokrates, now it feels much better.”

“First thing, fuck off. Second, will you tell me what your troubles are?”

“Johnny, I think Doyoung is cheating on me.” 

The wheels stopped spinning inside of Johnny’s head. Jaehyun’s words made no sense, Doyoung expressed daily just how much he loved his boyfriend. Why would Jaehyun believe he was cheating?

“What? With who?”

He received a slap over the head.

“How am I supposed to know who?”

“Because you accused him of cheating on you, I expected you to have seen him with someone or something!”

“No. No...that’s not what I meant.”

There was an awkward silence between them, Johnny leaning forward slightly as to invite Jaehyun to take the initiative. It did not happen.

“Will I ever get to know why you think he’s being unfaithful or will I live my life not knowing?”

Jaehyun sighed but there was a tint of a smile on his lips. 

“Your words can be so stupid sometimes, Johnny. Hopefully that’ll never change.”

“Thanks. If it makes you feel better I question what goes on in your head more often than I would dare to admit.”

“That’s why you’re my best friend. Anyways...The whole thing is...I don’t even know where to start to be honest.”

“I would give you questions, but again. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Johnny watched as the man in front of him furrowed his eyebrows while letting his fingers cover the lower part of his face, fingers tapping his skin irregularly. 

“I should’ve thought this through before deciding to talk to you.”

“No rush, boo. I got time.”

A few more minutes passed by, Jaehyun’s lips moving silently, as if planning his words carefully. 

“Okay, so...basically it started a while ago. But now I think I’ve started to put two and two together. Do you remember back in the Cherry Bomb era, when the two of us with our significant others would eat late at night together?”

“How could I ever forget?”

It was a time where Taeyong was not struggling to pick up a fight without tears in his eyes. Johnny was sure he would never forget those days.

“Doyoung would always go out and take a phone call and be gone for some good 20 minutes, sometimes it could take up to 40 minutes.”

“I remember that too.”

“He always does that when we go out to eat together. Like, no matter where we are, whether we have a date in the dorm or secretly outdoors. He ALWAYS have to take a call.”

“And you think he’s cheating on you with the person on the phone?”

“Now I do. Before I trusted him when he told me it was his brother, but the longer it goes on, the more I’m doubting it.”

“Why doubt it now? Maybe the two of them have a certain time or something.”

“But they don’t always talk at the same time. It just always happens to be in the middle of our meal. His phone just always goes off randomly and he stumbles away. And every single time, he comes back with red-rimmed eyes and face blotchy, as if he has been crying. Oh, and he chews gum. That’s why I think he might be seeing someone. To avoid having their breath on his own, for me not to notice. And you know? At first I didn’t notice the gum either, until a few weeks ago. What other reason would there be for him to come back with gum when we continue to eat afterwards?”

It was indeed a mystery. And Johnny had no idea what to tell his younger friend for him to be comforted, for Johnny had no idea what was actually going on. It was a strange behaviour, even for Doyoung. 

“Have you tried talking to him about it?”

“What would I say? ‘Hey I think you are cheating on me’? I want to ask him about it so badly, but if I ask him I have to face the consequences and live with the fact that, yes, he might be cheating on me and we will be over. I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose Doyoung.”

The situation was oddly alike what Johnny and Taeyong were facing, but luckily Doyoung was not killing himself by starving his body. At least Doyoung was mentally sane. 

“If Taeyong had acted that way, what would you have done?”

“That would be theoretically, I’d never let him leave in the middle of a meal. But I get your point.”, Johnny pulled him legs up on the bed, sitting cross-legged rather than having his legs dangling off of the bed. “I think...I’d confront him.”

He could tell the reply surprised Jaehyun judging by the widening of the other’s eyes and how his back straightened. 

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But...how?”

“Talk. Communication is key in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic. It’s always important to talk to each other before anything else.”, upon realizing how shady his statement sounded as Jaehyun had turned to talk to Johnny rather than Doyoung, Johnny added, “Unless you are troubled and want advice from someone else before confronting the person in question.”

“What if he gets angry?”

“Take it. His anger is there for a reason, if it so is for being caught or for being accused. Let him be angry. If anything I’d say it means he cares.”

Leaning back on the bed, head hitting the pillow, Johnny closed his eyes before putting their conversation to a disclosure.

“I may not be besties with Doyoung at the moment, but I don’t think he’d cheat on you. He loves you, Jaehyun. Don’t doubt that. Go talk to him.”

Jaehyun sighed. “Thanks, Johnny. Taeyong is lucky to have someone like you.”


	15. fifteenth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM ALIVE
> 
> AND I WANT TO WISH KUN THE BIGGEST HAPPY BIRTHDAY I CAN FATHOM BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE DESERVES THE WORLD AND LET'S LOOK FORWARD TO WAYV TOGETHER

“I love your hands.”

“Oh, why is that?”

It took Johnny a second too long to realize the innuendo made by the freshly awoken leader in front of him. 

“Taeyong!”

The raspy chuckle was worth the embarrassment on Johnny’s behalf, and he found himself leaning in to nuzzle their noses together.

“I love your hands for everything. How they fit so nicely in mine. How cold they are in the summer despite the heat, they are nice coolers for mine. How delicate but strong they are. I hope you care about them a lot, so you won’t get blisters or cracked skin, because that hurts. I don’t want them to hurt.”

Taeyong did not meet his eyes, Johnny assumed it was from not being able to accept compliments, as Taeyong had always been sceptic of them. 

“Hey. I mean what I say. Now, I believe the others should also be woken up so we can eat and head to rehearsals. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

There was an obvious tension between the other open couple of the group, Johnny took it as Jaehyun had not brought up his concern with the 96-liner and therefore chose to keep a distance instead which resulted in Doyoung treating him equally back or something like that. Johnny was not sure. He was just glad him and Taeyong had great communication and talked everything out always. It made a relationship way easier.

Deciding it was their own problem, Johnny turned to focus on Taeyong who was using his phone by the table again. It looked as if he was on Twitter, but Johnny could be wrong.

“Babe, there are other things you should focus on.”

He was faced with the big brown eyes, that seemed to grow bigger and bigger every day. While Johnny loved Taeyong’s eyes, the eyes that had always been almost unnaturally big in the most natural way they could be, while they kept becoming more and more...noticeable, they also grew more bothered. It was rare to see them twinkling, more often than not they were as empty as Johnny imagined Taeyong’s stomach to be. There were few moments when they would light up, such as when they were freshly awoken and the day had just begun, a time reserved for Johnny and Taeyong to be as couple-y as they want until they had to pursue their overworked dreams. He would not trade this life for any other, and despite having had a long few years of the trainee life, he could not find himself wishing he had chosen another path. He loved what he did.

“I’m aware.”

“Go ahead then. You know what our promise was.”

“We can break the promise.”

The pointed look Johnny knew dressed his facial features, was enough for Taeyong to face away from the older of the two. Johnny felt an ounce of regret, scared he had hurt his boyfriend, but he could not let his guard down. Not when said boyfriend had destructive habits that could shorten his life with several years. It was all down to how he decided to prioritize. So he leaned down to whisper in the leader’s ear.

“You’d rather not eat an apple than receive heartfelt compliments from your own boyfriend?”

If the smile on Taeyong’s lips had been caused by a joke, Johnny would have been over the moon. But in this situation there was no valid reason for someone to smile so brightly. It was honestly a little bit creepy, because Johnny had no actual idea what was going on in Taeyong’s head in that moment. Sure, the younger was hard to read as it was and having developed such severe relations to food did not cause him to wear his heart on his sleeves. If anything, the decrease in mental well-being had given Johnny every right to be sceptic of what came out of his lover’s mouth, as he now could never tell whether it was truth or lies. At this point, Johnny simply had to trust Taeyong, no matter how hard it could be.

“You never fail to make me feel as if I’m batshit crazy.”

Johnny sighed. He thanked every upper power he could think of, for the fact that Taeyong was going into therapy. 

 

“I need to ask you something.”

“What can I possibly have that you would want?”

Looking around to ensure they were alone, Johnny turned his eyes back to Doyoung, who was looking more and more agitated with each second Johnny kept silent. 

“I’ve been thinking recently. You told me that what triggered him to...starve his own body was weighing himself when it was just the two of you in the dorm. Not until now did I realize just how bizarre that would be. Because why would he bring out a scale so randomly when it’s never been an issue before?”

“You’re trying to blame me for this?”

“What? No!”

“Then why are you asking me this?”

“Why are you getting offensive if you aren’t hiding something?”

Johnny knew Doyoung well enough to know the look in the younger’s eyes was supposed to be piercing, was supposed to make Johnny feel uneasy and afraid to continue asking. But the way the orbs were glazing over gave the glare a weak outcome. 

“What are you hiding? What really happened that day?”

Looking away before shaking his head, as if in a conversation with himself, Doyoung turned to head to the door without giving a reply to the questions. Refusing to let the topic die when the truth was at the tip of his fingers, Johnny grabbed a hold of the bony wrist, hard enough to make Doyoung turn in shock. 

“Please. I just want to save him before it’s too late.”

“You’re stepping into a territory destructive enough to cause a storm once it’s invaded. Don’t talk to me as if you know what Taeyong is going through, because you really don’t.”

“And you do?”

“I never said that.”

“Tae wants to get better but in order for me to help him, I need to know what caused these ideas to spark in his head.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes before ripping his arm out of Johnny’s grasp. Before he went out of the doorway, he turned to Johnny and shrugged slightly. 

“It’s terrifying how crazy similar honesty and dishonesty sounds to untrained ears. Sometimes I find myself thinking the two words should be synonyms and not antonyms, just to make things easier for the healthy mind. It’s not like unhealthy minds aren’t used to being misunderstood anyways.”

Then he was out the door. 

 

“I take it you did not talk to Doyoung?”

“I see you sure did.”

Watching the 96-liner from afar, Johnny almost felt bad for causing the tension in the broad shoulders. At the same time he did not. 

“What did you talk to him about?”

“Just about what happened that night before we all returned around christmas.”

“And what is our conclusion?”

“I think our Doyoung is hiding something way bigger than I originally thought. He definitely knows what caused Taeyong to dig himself an early grave. But he refuses to tell me.”

“Johnny, no, I cannot ask him to reveal such thing when he doesn’t want me around.”

“He wants you around though. I think it’s more you who avoids him than the opposite way around.”

“I will talk to him. Just not right now. Maybe later.”

“What matters isn’t when you do it, it’s just important that it happens. Not only for the sake of Taeyong’s well-being and for your relationship. But I think Doyoung mentally needs your support as well. I hate to say it but he looks like he’s not in a very good place right now, and if there’s someone he’ll talk to it’s you.”

“No, but Johnny, you don’t understand. We fought earlier. I did something I shouldn’t do but he refused to explain anything regarding it so-”

“What did you do?”

“I opened his drawers without his permission. I know it was wrong, but I just wanted to see if there was anything there to indicate that he’s cheating.”

“And you found evidence he couldn’t explain?”

“No, but I found something very strange. I found a bottle of ipecac. It was half-empty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING SO PATIENT, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IF YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON ME
> 
> and instead of writing a novella regarding why i've been gone, i'll take a shortcut and say that i have a job that may or may not be causing me to question my own sanity and part of me is actually surprised i'm alive to see kun's 23rd birthday, as it is now the 1st of january 2019 where i live. let's say i totally kept myself alive just because i love kun and you all deserve an update.
> 
> i cannot promise regular updates just yet, buuuuut i have already started working on upcoming chapters and i know where i want this story to go, so at least it won't take half a year, and i promise to work for at least one chapter a month.
> 
> lastly i want to wish you all a happy new year, may 2019 treat you well!! 
> 
> talk to me on twt or anonymously on curious cat: @taemarkly


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